We need rules, people. Without them, the fabric of society tears like the trouser seam of a big bloke bending over.
But I have discovered a set of rules that are being brazenly flaunted every day, with apparent impunity. These are the vital regulations pertaining to the wearing, and general upkeep, of toupees. There are hard, and fast requirements for the wearing of a rug, and they need be uncompromisingly enforced:
- A hair-hat should always, at least vaguely, match any real hair colour.
- A bowling-ball badger should always be placed the right way around, unless you are on your way to a fancy dress party, kitted out as Ringo, circa 1965.
- A cannonball cover must be fastened on properly, not clipped on like a cheap tie or stuck on with the double sided tape you bought at a 7/11.
- Oil, cream, even a suntan, can come in an aerosol can. Hair cannot. Spray on hair looks like – spray on hair.
- A scull-rat should only be attempted while you still have some hair. Turning up to work, bald one day, and looking like Leo Sayer the next, will only result in a lifetime of jokes, all at your expense.
- Take note of your bald or balding friends before going on-line and ordering what was once somebody’s beloved cat. There’s actually nothing wrong with the way they look.
- If you didn’t have curly hair, don’t buy a curly nut-cover. There is no upside to having what will look like a fidgety squirrel on your thinning straight locks.
- Do not skimp on price. Covering the chrome-dome with a head-mat made from a recycled 1970’s fibre-optic lamp will make you light up a room – for all the wrong reasons. If you have to get one, spend money on it.
- You can safely ignore the use-by date on canned beans – I promise they will last forever; a skull-warmer most certainly will not. An old and tatty one just looks like head roadkill.
- No matter how well you look after a dome-cover, if it’s the Patrick Swayze, ‘Dirty Dancing’ style – it’s time to upgrade. You wouldn’t still own a ‘brick’ mobile phone; don’t wear a hairpiece that Ronald Regan would have approved of.