Tag Archives: coffee

What Do You Need Right Now?

A new car? A boat? Or are your needs simpler than that? Maybe you’d just like a decent coffee?

I was in a fancy bar recently. Now to be sure, I don’t usually go to places like that as I just don’t buy into the beautiful crowd (and they don’t care for me, either). Add to that, I am generally dressed like I was brought up in a sports bar and I refuse to wear sunglasses after it’s dark.

So, while this bar was exceptionally genial, I am actually more at home in down-market establishments. That’s not to say I can’t do posh because I can. Sometimes it’s lovely to be in a place that doesn’t need to be hosed out at the end of the night.

So there I was. I was dressed appropriately ‘fancy’, and as happy as a pig in poo. The wives were off in one corner, the husbands in another, as it should be.  The girls were probably discussing something mildly worthwhile – while we were discussing the strengths and weaknesses of various single-malt scotch whiskies. Disclaimer: not one of us had or has any idea, or knowledge, about scotch – good or bad.

We finally settled on one to our liking, and out they came. As well as a fancy tumbler of the golden nectar, the barman presented to us a little green medicine bottle with an eyedropper attached.

We looked at each other, searching for answers. None of us had any idea. So clearly, we needed to ask.

“Kind Barkeep, do tell: what is this eyedropper for?”

“Sir” (rolling his eyes), “It’s the Scottish spring water – for your whisky.” (Another eye roll.)

Oh, of course! How silly of me. I mean local water would not do at all! Even bottled water was clearly not good enough. If we were to drink the amber fuel from the Gaelic Highlands, by god, we needed their spring water as well!

Which brings me back to what do you need right now. The world is a funny place. For some, the thought of having a pleasant scotch without Scottish spring water just wouldn’t do. For others, maybe having their sight restored might be nice.

I have a dear friend who is doing a 50km (31 mile) walk for the worthy cause of preventable/curable blindness. And so mes amis, if you can forgo 1 night on the whisky spring water eyedropper – why not donate the money you’ll save to this worthy cause? Support Liza. Here’s a link. Come and find out the strangely satisfying feeling that comes from anonymously giving some of your good fortune back.

It will take a few minutes of your time, and a small amount of your cash, to change someone’s life forever.

You know you want to.

“Waiter, this coffee tastes like…”

I like coffee; I like it a lot. I like it so much that I would do almost anything for a cup. Well, almost anything.

So what’s the latest coffee craze? Is it fancy frothy designs expertly poured onto the top of an overpriced latte by a barista with clearly too much spare time? “Palm leaves are so yesterday, how about the Taj Mahal?”

Is it a new coffee variety? “Try our new double-mocha-short-cream-caramel-whisk-surprise”.

No, the latest and greatest coffee craze is this:

Elephant poo coffee. No need to re-read it, you heard me correctly the first time, (or for the pedantic – you read it correctly the first time). Elephant – Poo – Coffee.

OK, here is how it works. You take an elephant. In this case an Asian elephant from Thailand; you feed it coffee beans – and voilà, the next day you have dung coffee.  Apparently it has an “earthy” flavour. Oh really? Do tell!

Personally, I have remarkably few rules in life, but one rule I do have is I don’t consume products that have been through the digestive tracts of animals. Call me old fashioned, but it’s just how I am.

I suppose this might relate back to my youth when my brother – surely thinking I was smarter than I actually was – got me to eat a dog poo – that had been bleached white in the Australian sun. “Yep, you can eat it, it’s just a meringue”. Sadly, I did, and it wasn’t.

So maybe I’m a little sensitive, but seriously? Coffee that has come out of an animals butt? What makes it even more laughable is that it costs US$500 per pound, or, on average, US$50 for a cup.

So not only do these people want you to drink their poo beans, but also to pay for it like a prized French Truffle pig called Philippe dug it up in Périgord.

If a truffle is actually just a fancy mushroom, what can be said about an excreted coffee bean? I suppose it will become a marketing dream:

“Our coffee genuinely is shit”

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