Tag Archives: end of the world

The End Is (Maybe) Near

Last weeks post got me thinking. How does a person transform from snotty-nosed child, to a grown-up person – predicting the coming of an apocalyptic event? People like Harold Camping. In his CV – all it must say is “End of Times Predictor” – he should add “ 3 times loser – 4th time lucky?”

The Internet is littered with crackpots predicting their version of a religious awakening/destroying/reckoning. Many, like Harold, are multiple time losers.

My extensive research, conducted over several minutes, has revealed some intriguing facts about those of us who shun more traditional careers as, say, dentists or electricians, but instead go for more of a “Prophet of Doom” thing.

It seems you certainly don’t have to be: good looking, knowledgeable, or in any way rational – OK, I am still in the game.

But how do you start down this unusual path of destruction, so to speak? As a community service, I have decided to lower the barrier to entry by making a short list of words you just need to know to be able to accurately miss-predict the end of the world. Sure beats working at McDonalds.

The key is terminology. People all-over are impressed with long or fancy sounding words. Personally, I love to use the word “oxymoron”. Partly because some folk think it’s a clever way of calling them an idiot; “you’re not a regular moron Fella, you’re an OXYmoron!” And partly because using it makes me sound like I might have done OK at school or I am reasonably intelligent. (Disclaimer: I didn’t / I’m not).

So back to terminology. It doesn’t much matter how you use these words, just as long as you use them. It doesn’t even need to make any sense, just get them into a sentence somehow.

Portal (or “Great Portal” if you are senior in the organization)


Self-awareness (oxymoron alert!)

Astral Travel


It helps if the house where you might hold the meetings is referred to as “The Temple”, rather than “The wooden bungalow on Wilson St that needs a paint job”. Of course, the essential element for budding “High Priests” is your followers must give you all or most of their money (because you live in a dilapidated house on Wilson St that needs painting), and any women members must be prepared to jump in the sack with you (so they can be “enlightened”, of course).

So there it is – no need for a real job. My last bit of advice is just common sense, but you would be surprised how many apocalypse colleagues don’t heed it.

Please don’t predict the end anytime soon. Make it in 50 years or so. Just remember, once the house is painted, you certainly should think about the garden, and for that, you need cash. Remember, this is your job – so predicting Armageddon next week is like organizing your own redundancy.

Nothing? Really?? Not a thing???

So the world didn’t end on Friday 21st December. The doomsayer’s and Mayans were all wrong. Stupid Mayans. We all got so worked up – I even sold my prized baked bean, that looked remarkably like the Eifel Tower, on e-bay. OK, that’s a lie actually, but if I had such a bean, I would have sold it.

I must say I am starting to lose faith with spurious world ending predictions.

I keenly sat in front of the TV on December 31, 1999 ready to see civilization disintegrate – as “The Y2K Bug” destroyed the fabric of society. On that occasion, my preparation was the timely delivery of a large pizza and a case of beer: “yes please, before midnight if you could manage it, I’m expecting the end of the world”.

PS – I now understand the irony of trying to watch the technological end of the world on TV.

In 2008, and a little classier by then, I ordered Thai takeaway, opened a bottle of Rosé and awaited the “Large Hadron Particle Collider” to be turned on. This particle accelerator, whatever that means, is 27km long and runs through France and Switzerland. It fires extremely small things at each other. I’m not sure why. Its activation was due to create a black hole that would swallow the earth. All that actually happened was the restaurant forgot to pack my fish cakes.

“The Great Pleiadian Eclipse Alignment”, on 20th May 2012, was when the Sun, Moon, Earth and a bunch of stars a mega-don-dillion* light years away – aligned – apparently for the first time in 26,000 years. As I eagerly awaited “a major cosmic event” and all that (doesn’t) mean, my cheese plate arrived – and end of the world made way for Camembert and crackers.

But fear not, the end is still coming, even if you choose to ignore the plethora of religious/spiritual nutcases predicting global demise on a weekly basis. The Jehovah’s Witnesses, for example, have clocked up 21 failed “end of times” predictions. I think it’s time they gave it up and opened a bakery. Jehovah’s Biscuits might be a much better seller for them.

But really, the one we should be concerning ourselves with is happening in 1.2 million years. The star ”Gliese 710” will somehow be causing a drastic increase in the number of impact threatening meteorites around Earth.

Put it in your diaries, people!

*I made that word up – it means a very, very long way.


Merry (insert appropriate holiday here)

From the bottom of my heart, I would like to thank a chip off the old blog readers for at least pretending to read my musings, and

I would have also taken the opportunity to wish all and sundry a truly Merry Christmas / Hanukkah / Eid il-Fitr, but apparently, the end of the world approaches.

In the link above, NASA has studiously looked into it and concluded that December 21st will be nothing more than a normal December solstice. Thanks NASA, just like The Space Shuttles ‘Challenger’ and ‘Columbia’ were just stock standard missions, eh? And while we are about it, how exactly DO you scientifically conclude that the end of the world is, or is not, nigh?

Anyway, if you want to be angry, let’s be angry with the Mayans. I mean, their bloomin’ calendar bumbled along for over 5000 years – you think they could have added 4 or 5 days so we all could have enjoyed a little bit of Santa time. Alas, no. It all ends Friday.

So there you have it – quite possibly the last thing you will ever read will be this drivel. Oh, the unfairness of it all.

See you on the other side.

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