Tag Archives: enlightened

The End Is (Maybe) Near

Last weeks post got me thinking. How does a person transform from snotty-nosed child, to a grown-up person – predicting the coming of an apocalyptic event? People like Harold Camping. In his CV – all it must say is “End of Times Predictor” – he should add “ 3 times loser – 4th time lucky?”

The Internet is littered with crackpots predicting their version of a religious awakening/destroying/reckoning. Many, like Harold, are multiple time losers.

My extensive research, conducted over several minutes, has revealed some intriguing facts about those of us who shun more traditional careers as, say, dentists or electricians, but instead go for more of a “Prophet of Doom” thing.

It seems you certainly don’t have to be: good looking, knowledgeable, or in any way rational – OK, I am still in the game.

But how do you start down this unusual path of destruction, so to speak? As a community service, I have decided to lower the barrier to entry by making a short list of words you just need to know to be able to accurately miss-predict the end of the world. Sure beats working at McDonalds.

The key is terminology. People all-over are impressed with long or fancy sounding words. Personally, I love to use the word “oxymoron”. Partly because some folk think it’s a clever way of calling them an idiot; “you’re not a regular moron Fella, you’re an OXYmoron!” And partly because using it makes me sound like I might have done OK at school or I am reasonably intelligent. (Disclaimer: I didn’t / I’m not).

So back to terminology. It doesn’t much matter how you use these words, just as long as you use them. It doesn’t even need to make any sense, just get them into a sentence somehow.

Portal (or “Great Portal” if you are senior in the organization)


Self-awareness (oxymoron alert!)

Astral Travel


It helps if the house where you might hold the meetings is referred to as “The Temple”, rather than “The wooden bungalow on Wilson St that needs a paint job”. Of course, the essential element for budding “High Priests” is your followers must give you all or most of their money (because you live in a dilapidated house on Wilson St that needs painting), and any women members must be prepared to jump in the sack with you (so they can be “enlightened”, of course).

So there it is – no need for a real job. My last bit of advice is just common sense, but you would be surprised how many apocalypse colleagues don’t heed it.

Please don’t predict the end anytime soon. Make it in 50 years or so. Just remember, once the house is painted, you certainly should think about the garden, and for that, you need cash. Remember, this is your job – so predicting Armageddon next week is like organizing your own redundancy.

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