Tag Archives: mayan calendar

Nothing? Really?? Not a thing???

So the world didn’t end on Friday 21st December. The doomsayer’s and Mayans were all wrong. Stupid Mayans. We all got so worked up – I even sold my prized baked bean, that looked remarkably like the Eifel Tower, on e-bay. OK, that’s a lie actually, but if I had such a bean, I would have sold it.

I must say I am starting to lose faith with spurious world ending predictions.

I keenly sat in front of the TV on December 31, 1999 ready to see civilization disintegrate – as “The Y2K Bug” destroyed the fabric of society. On that occasion, my preparation was the timely delivery of a large pizza and a case of beer: “yes please, before midnight if you could manage it, I’m expecting the end of the world”.

PS – I now understand the irony of trying to watch the technological end of the world on TV.

In 2008, and a little classier by then, I ordered Thai takeaway, opened a bottle of Rosé and awaited the “Large Hadron Particle Collider” to be turned on. This particle accelerator, whatever that means, is 27km long and runs through France and Switzerland. It fires extremely small things at each other. I’m not sure why. Its activation was due to create a black hole that would swallow the earth. All that actually happened was the restaurant forgot to pack my fish cakes.

“The Great Pleiadian Eclipse Alignment”, on 20th May 2012, was when the Sun, Moon, Earth and a bunch of stars a mega-don-dillion* light years away – aligned – apparently for the first time in 26,000 years. As I eagerly awaited “a major cosmic event” and all that (doesn’t) mean, my cheese plate arrived – and end of the world made way for Camembert and crackers.

But fear not, the end is still coming, even if you choose to ignore the plethora of religious/spiritual nutcases predicting global demise on a weekly basis. The Jehovah’s Witnesses, for example, have clocked up 21 failed “end of times” predictions. I think it’s time they gave it up and opened a bakery. Jehovah’s Biscuits might be a much better seller for them.

But really, the one we should be concerning ourselves with is happening in 1.2 million years. The star ”Gliese 710” will somehow be causing a drastic increase in the number of impact threatening meteorites around Earth.

Put it in your diaries, people!

*I made that word up – it means a very, very long way.


Merry (insert appropriate holiday here)

From the bottom of my heart, I would like to thank a chip off the old blog readers for at least pretending to read my musings, and

I would have also taken the opportunity to wish all and sundry a truly Merry Christmas / Hanukkah / Eid il-Fitr, but apparently, the end of the world approaches.

In the link above, NASA has studiously looked into it and concluded that December 21st will be nothing more than a normal December solstice. Thanks NASA, just like The Space Shuttles ‘Challenger’ and ‘Columbia’ were just stock standard missions, eh? And while we are about it, how exactly DO you scientifically conclude that the end of the world is, or is not, nigh?

Anyway, if you want to be angry, let’s be angry with the Mayans. I mean, their bloomin’ calendar bumbled along for over 5000 years – you think they could have added 4 or 5 days so we all could have enjoyed a little bit of Santa time. Alas, no. It all ends Friday.

So there you have it – quite possibly the last thing you will ever read will be this drivel. Oh, the unfairness of it all.

See you on the other side.

Why Is It So?

There are lots of things I don’t understand.

For instance:

  • Why does the door on a tumble dryer stay locked for several minutes after the cycle is finished? Is it punishing me for not hanging my washing out to air dry?
  • Why did I have to learn (insert: “attempt to learn”) square roots in school? 25 years as a stockbroker and not only did I never need to know the square root of anything, I don’t know anyone who did.
  • Why does the warning on cough mixture say “May cause drowsiness, do not operate heavy machinery after taking.” – So I can’t drive a steamroller, but I can use a chainsaw?

There are many questions that perhaps there are just no answers for.

So let’s cut to the chase. I am on holidays in France at the moment, and I can say with complete confidence, France is a truly spectacular country. So, why then, do the French feel the need to drive like maniacs? Well, I should qualify that, they are not at the top of the maniac scale, that’s the Italians, clearly, but they are certainly close.

My family and I are in Provence, so essentially that means we are up to our elbows in cheap but sensational red wine, every conceivable variety of cheese, baguettes, pain au chocolat’s, croissants, the lot. Every hill has a postcard perfect medieval village perched majestically for all to admire, and every field is bursting with dreamy swathes of lavender, mouth-watering cherries, or centuries old vineyards.

Oh, and of course, every road has maniac French drivers. Into the mix of narrow country lanes and gently rolling hills, is thrown the Gallic country driver. A beret wearing, stripey shirted anger merchant, who needs to be somewhere else urgently, and decides the only way to make the car in front get a move on, is to tailgate it. Most of these roads are simply glorified laneways barely 1 ½ car widths wide, and so the other issue is Pepé le Pew driving at warp speed down a road built in 1542; to accommodate two horses passing.  And if Monsieur cheeseball-eater is in a truck or van, all the closer, and faster, must he drive.

I suppose as a tourist, and a usually left-hand side of the road driver, I tend to go slower than a local, and maybe it’s a bit like I’m driving Miss Daisy, but French drivers, listen up: Tailgating just makes me go slower. So while you drive at a sedate pace behind me, don’t get angry, enjoy the stunning views and think about this:

Why is it that nobody has proposed that the Mayan calendar, which stops on 21 Dec 2012 – apparently signifying doomsday – was merely the result of the bloke who had to carve it into a rock, getting bored? I mean seriously, maybe his chisel just broke? Or he reached mandatory retirement age?

Relax everyone!

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